


My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

by ottoglow



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Smut, lilith understands, zelda is angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29413251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ottoglow/pseuds/ottoglow
Summary: She had tried every spell, read every book she could get her hands on, summoned every witch and supernatural being she could think of, but none of them were capable or willing to make a deal. Well, everyone she could think of, with one notable exception._Zelda wants Sabrina back, more than anything.
Relationships: Sabrina Spellman & Zelda Spellman, Zelda Spellman & Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith, Zelda Spellman/Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith
Comments: 18
Kudos: 80





	My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

**Author's Note:**

> for the gals on twitter. find me at @ottoglow.
> 
> title and opening/closing lyrics from "ivy" by taylor swift.

_How's one to know?_

_I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones_

_In a faith forgotten land_

_So tell me to run_

_Or dare to sit and watch what we'll become_

-

It only took three months for Zelda Spellman to fall into bed with the Queen of Hell. 

-

After the funeral, Zelda had done everything in her power to bring back Sabrina. She was prepared to give up her own life in a heartbeat if she knew Sabrina would return alive and well. She hardly slept. Barely ate, and were it not for the insistence of her sister, would likely have starved. Rarely saw Ambrose, who spent most of his time locked away in the attic. Both he and Hilda were grieving in their own ways. But Zelda, no, Zelda refused to believe that Sabrina was truly gone. This was just another of Sabrina's messes she had to clean up, as she had done a thousand times before. 

Though, this was admittedly much harder than erasing the memories of a few mortals or even dealing with the threat of the Devil himself. What Zelda would give to go back to the simpler times of battling with angels and demons alike. She had taken it all for granted.

Now, she spent most of her days shut in her office at the Academy, Vinegar Tom on the floor at her feet. A bottle of whiskey was never too far away, her cigarette holder never empty. She had tried every spell, read every book she could get her hands on, summoned every witch and supernatural being she could think of, but none of them were capable or willing to make a deal. Well, everyone she could think of, with one notable exception.

Lilith. Zelda hadn't seen the woman since she approached her after the funeral and gave her hushed condolences. Zelda had only acknowledged her with a nod before the witch turned away and disappeared in a flurry of hellfire. As far as Zelda was concerned, this was as much Lilith's fault as it was her own. Lilith, who manipulated Sabrina into fulfilling the prophecy. Lilith, who had lied about her motives and identity and deceived them all with a smile on her face. Lilith, who had left the coven all alone in their fight against the pagans. Lilith, who only ever appeared to care about herself and the throne. The coven was far better off worshipping Hecate, even if Hecate had chosen not to spare Sabrina. No, Lilith had never answered a single one of Zelda's prayers, even as a young girl. 

But, as she sat in the parlor of the Spellman manor, nursing her third glass of whiskey, Zelda couldn't help but wonder if the first witch might be able to bring her daughter back. After all, she had brought back that horrible Wardwell woman whose likeness she stole. Had she been a little more sober, she doubt she would have considered it, but here she was — exhausted and desperate. So, she said a silent prayer in her head and waited.

-

The fire had died down to glowing embers, and Zelda had all but given up hope that the demoness would show her face. After all, why would she? Why show up now, after it was all over, when she had never appeared before? She had the crown, the title, everything she had ever wanted. She was likely down in Hell, towering over her subjects as she sat almighty upon her throne. She had no reason to acknowledge a desperate plea from the mortal realm sent in the dark of night. Especially not one from Zelda, who had turned her away when she came asking for her help. 

But, just as Zelda had stood to return her empty glass to the kitchen and make her way upstairs to rest in bed (though she never _truly_ rested, plagued with nightmares of Sabrina — losing Sabrina, finding Sabrina, then losing her all over again — always Sabrina, always nightmares), Vinegar Tom let out a low growl from his spot by the fire. Then, there was a knock at the door. 

Zelda left her glass on the side table and cautiously made her way to the front door, Vinegar Tom trailing not far behind. She opened the door, and there she was. She wasn’t dressed like a queen — no crown on her head, no gown trailing behind her, no, she appeared as she always had when she posed as if she were a regular witch, not the _first_ witch, not a woman as old as time itself. Her face was framed with those excessively large dark tresses, and she wore a simple black dress and a leather coat. (And yet, she looked _good_ , Zelda thought, having always found the woman attractive, annoyingly so. Although she had tucked all those thoughts away the moment she found out her true identity.) She wore a small smirk on her face, but something different flickered behind her eyes. A tiredness perhaps. Then she spoke, and it was gone.

“You called?”

It took a moment for Zelda to process that all of this was real, that Lilith really stood before her as she hadn’t done in months, but then Lilith raised her eyebrows as if waiting for a response. Zelda cleared her throat and finally spoke, “Come in.”

Zelda led her to the parlor, rekindling the fireplace with a wave of her hand, and pouring both of them a glass of whiskey (though Zelda gave herself a noticeably larger pour). Lilith accepted the glass with an appreciative nod, and they sat across from one another, Lilith in an armchair and Zelda on the settee, an awkward silence between them. Zelda took a large gulp of her drink, willing herself to find the words she wished to say. There were too many, if she were being honest with herself. Words filled with anger, some filled with regret, some with resignation, and some, deep in the depths of her psyche, some with desire. A desire to be known. A desire to be understood, to be cared for, a desire for Lilith to whisk away the heavy weight that sat upon her shoulders. Why had she called Lilith here without even so much as an idea of what to say? Lilith, intuitive as ever, sensed her hesitance, noticed Zelda’s inability to form the right words. So, she spoke first.

“I know why you called me here. My answer is no.”

Zelda was taken aback. How could she have possibly known Zelda’s intentions, and have already come to the conclusion that she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) help her? Could she read her mind? No, that wasn’t possible, even for the Queen of Hell. At least without leaving a trace. She scoffed, “And how could you possibly know why I called you here? I haven’t said more than two words since you walked in the door.”

“I know you better than you realize, Zelda Spellman. We are far more alike than you know.”

Zelda rolled her eyes, “You and I are nothing alike. Tell me what you _think_ you know about me, tell me why I’ve called you here.”

Lilith looked at her with an unreadable expression on her face. She couldn’t tell if the woman was offended or simply didn’t care. 

“You want to know if I can bring back Sabrina. And like I said, my answer is no.”

“Bullshit,” Zelda said, waving around her the glass in her hand and spilling a few drops of whiskey in the process, “you are the _Queen_ of _Hell,_ if you really wanted to, you could. I don’t even know why I thought you would be willing. You’ve only ever cared for yourself.” Her voice was laced with venom, and yet Lilith didn’t budge, didn’t give even the slightest inkling that Zelda’s words had hurt her. Perhaps insulting the woman wasn’t the best way to get what she wanted. Zelda paused, weighing her options carefully. She spoke softly, a lump forming in the back of her throat.

“ _Please._ ”

“No,” Lilith said firmly, and Zelda thought she saw with a glimpse of pity in her eyes.

“No you won’t, or no you can’t?”

“Just no. I won’t say it again.”

“I don’t understand,” Zelda said, staring at the ground between them. Her mind was suddenly riddled with confusion, unable to discern Lilith’s thoughts or motives. “Then why did you come?”

“I —” Lilith paused, choosing her next words carefully, “I wanted to see you.”

Zelda looked up and met Lilith’s gaze, unwavering blue. “Why?”

“I wanted to… extend an olive branch. To say that I’m sorry.”

“ _Sorry?”_ Zelda blinked incredulously, “You come here after all this time to tell me that you’re _sorry?_ Which part are you sorry about?” She stood up, angered beyond belief at the audacity of the witch. “The part where you coerced Sabrina to sign her name in the Book of the Beast, against all her wishes? That part where you lied and manipulated her into fulfilling the prophecy, handing her over to Lucifer as a child bride? Maybe the part where you took the crown for yourself and disappeared without a trace, leaving our coven to fend for itself? Or the part where you neglected to realize that there were two Sabrinas — or simply neglected to do anything about it?” Zelda paced back and across the carpet, fuming like she never had before. “You, above all else, are the reason that she’s dead. And you don’t even care. Because if you had cared, you would have done something to fix it before it happened, rather than sitting locked up in a bedroom at the Academy all those weeks. Or you would have, at the _very_ least, _attempted_ to bring her back. But you haven’t. And now you come here, to my home, after I have been slaving for months to get her back, to tell me that you won’t even try. You aren’t sorry. You are nothing but a selfish _cunt.”_

Zelda stopped and caught her breath, looking at Lilith expectantly, waiting for her to yell back at her or curse her or simply get up and leave. But she didn’t. In fact, the entire time Zelda had been speaking, Lilith sat there silently, remaining calm and collected. And it had set Zelda’s nerves aflame like no other. She _wanted_ a fight. She wanted Lilith to do something, say _something —_ something to make her feel anything but the gaping hole Sabrina had left in her chest.

Lilith simply stood, and walked up to Zelda, never breaking eye-contact. She stopped just inches away from her face, the same as she had done all those nights ago at the Academy when Zelda turned her away. She spoke with a snarl.

“And just what makes you so sure that I haven’t already tried to bring Sabrina back?”

And that, that was the last thing Zelda expected to hear from Lilith’s lips. She stood there utterly dumbfounded, stuttering over her words, “ Wh- What? What do you mean? You just told me you wouldn’t.”

Lilith backed away with a sigh, shaking her head. “No, Zelda,” she said, returning to her armchair, “I never said I wouldn’t. I only said no.”

Zelda followed suit, sitting down once again. A thousand questions ran through her mind, a sliver of hope emerged that if she heard Lilith out she might be able to hold Sabrina in arms once again. “Well, can you? Bring Sabrina back?”

Lilith shook her head. “I tried. For weeks, actually. I may hold power over the infernal realm, but even my status bears no weight in the workings of the afterlife. It can’t be done.” 

And just like that, the last of Zelda’s hope flickered out, the flame reaching its bitter end. Her heart was pounding in her chest, her head dizzy, her mouth dry. The room was spinning, and her breaths were coming fast and shallow. She bowed her head and gripped the side of the armchair to steady herself, and then Lilith was kneeling on the ground before her, hand on her knee, telling her to breathe. 

“Zelda, look at me.” Slender fingers pushed at the bottom of her chin, willing her to look up. When she did, she saw Lilith looking back at her, concern splashed across her face. “Just breathe. Are you all right?”

Zelda managed to nod. 

“Okay, let me get you some water. Stay here.”

Zelda nodded again, and seconds later Lilith was returning with a glass and placing it in her hand. Zelda took a few sips as heart rate started to return to a somewhat normal pace. She downed the rest of the water and let out a shaky breath.

“There. Good girl,” Lilith said, taking the glass from her hand and placing it on the side table. She sat next to Zelda on the settee and waited until Zelda started to breathe normally again. 

“Thank you,” Zelda said, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over her. _Why was Lilith being so kind to her?_

Lilith acknowledged her thanks with a hum, and Zelda turned to look at her. “Why? Why would you try and save Sabrina?”

Lilith spoke softly. “You aren’t the only mother who’s ever lost a child, you know.”

“What are you talking about? Adam?” 

It only took a split second for Zelda to recognize the look on Lilith’s face, the same look she saw staring back at her every time she looked in a mirror. A grief like no other.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t know.”

“Well, Zelda, as seems to be the theme of the night, there are a lot of things that you don’t know,” Lilith said with a slight chuckle, but there was no malice behind her words.

“What happened?”

Lilith drew in a deep breath, looking away. “I killed him. To save him. From his father.”

Silence. 

Lilith continued. “I thought that if I could bring her back, save Sabrina, that it would somehow make up for what I did to Adam. I really did try, Zelda.” And then she turned her head, expecting to find disgust or hatred on Zelda’s face, but all she found were glassy eyes, a look of sympathy.

This time, Zelda bridged the gap between them, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I believe you.”

Lilith took Zelda’s hand from her shoulder and gave it a squeeze, before letting go. 

“Contrary to what you seem to believe, I did care for Sabrina. Not at first, of course. In fact, I hated her for quite a long time. I only saw her as an obstacle to the throne. But, insufferable as she was, she grew on me. And I came to realize that none of it was her fault. Not really, anyway. It was only ever _His,”_ she spat. 

“As I said, I came to apologize. I didn’t wish for her to die. I should have helped your coven when I had the chance. But all He ever did was blind me. Taunt me. Dangle the promise of a crown in front of my face for millenia, only to snatch it away at the last second. For years, I only acted out of self-preservation. And for that, I’m sorry. You know as well as I what it’s like to be at the mercy of undeserving men.”

And Zelda understood, if only a little more than before. Having been deceived herself, not only once, but twice. 

“And I’m sorry. For not taking you in. I should have —” Zelda paused, shaking her head, “I should have known.”

Lilith gave her a sad smile. “I told you, you and I are more alike than you think.” Zelda smiled back. 

“You think no one notices you, Zelda. You always put up this wall, playing the part of the matriarch, the priestess, stone-cold, no emotion, but behind it all, you’re hanging on by a thread.” Lilith looked away. 

“I have everything I’ve ever wanted, and yet, I still feel so _empty._ Still plagued by memories of Him, of what he did to me, memories of Adam. I _ache,_ Zelda. I ache to be understood, for someone to share the pain. And that’s why I came. Because I thought you would understand.” When Lilith looked back, there were tears running down Zelda’s face.

“You think no one notices you. But I noticed you. I noticed you from the first time I laid eyes on you, right over there, on that staircase.”

And with that, Zelda let out a shaky breath and took Lilith’s face in her hands, bringing their lips together. Soft yet sure, then Lilith melted into her, tangling her hand in her auburn curls and all at once, it turned breathy, desperate, full of emotion, of apologies and promises. Zelda pulled back and caught her breath, resting her forehead against Lilith’s, eyes closed. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out. 

“Don’t apologize,” Lilith said, pulling away to look at her, eyes darting across her face, searching. Searching for what, Zelda wasn’t sure. Understanding, maybe. A confirmation that this was what she wanted. Lilith swiped her thumbs across her cheeks, wiping away her tears. Zelda nodded, and then Lilith’s mouth was on hers once again.

Lilith tasted like cinnamon and magic and _fire_ , burning, unforgiving, but leaving new growth in its wake, everything she had come to expect from the first witch. Her tongue slipped across her lips, and Zelda willingly parted them, eager to take whatever Lilith was willing to give. Lilith bit down on her bottom lip, and Zelda _moaned_ , kissing her back insistently before pulling away. Lilith panicked for a moment, scared she had taken things too far, gone too quickly. But then Zelda was standing up and grabbing her hand and whisking her away up the stairs and behind a closed door.

-

This wasn't what she had expected from the Mother of Demons in bed.

This wasn't like her dalliances with Faustus — rough, uncaring, painful as a way to punish herself. No, this was soft. This was gentle, caring, _loving_ even, and Zelda wasn't sure how Lilith had judged her worthy of such devotion. Especially not after the way Zelda had treated her just hours before. 

As soon as she had stripped Zelda bare, Lilith looked at her as if she had the whole world at her fingertips. Lying above her, she gave reverent kisses down her neck, her chest, across her breasts and her stomach, wanting to leave no inch of skin untouched, no part unworshipped.

As she worked her way down, kissing over her thighs and calves, she looked up at Zelda asking for permission to continue. Zelda nodded eagerly, and Lilith parted her legs, moaning at the sight. Zelda Spellman, spread out before her, utterly _drenched_ and wanting.

“ _Zelda,_ she breathed out, speaking her name as if it were a prayer, “you are _so_ _beautiful.”_

She laid down her mouth and began to _feast._

As it turns out, Lilith was wicked with her tongue. When Lilith slipped two fingers inside of her, reaching new depths and eliciting such pleasure Zelda had never felt before in all her centuries of life, it was all she could do to place her hand in Lilith’s hair and remind herself to _breathe_.

Her efforts were unsuccessful, however, as she writhed and whimpered under Lilith’s ministrations, and all of a sudden Zelda found herself overwhelmed by the sensations, gasping for air. Lilith pulled away, stilling her fingers and placing her free hand in Zelda’s.

“Zelda, look at me.” 

Zelda, with her breaths still coming in quick succession, willed herself to look down and meet the gaze of the woman lying between her legs. And oh, what a sight she was.

"Hey,” Lilith spoke, squeezing her hand, “It's okay, you're okay." Zelda acknowledged her with a squeeze back.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Zelda shook her head.

"I need you to breathe, okay? Can you promise me you'll do that?"

Zelda nodded.

"I need to hear you say it."

"Yes, yes, I'll breathe, please, just keep going —" 

“Shhh,” Lilith shushed her softly, "you don't need to beg." Zelda drew in a few deep breaths as Lilith began to move her fingers again. “Good girl, that’s it.” Zelda moaned at the praise, as Lilith let out a sweet laugh at the realization, before setting her mouth down once again. Zelda decided then that she would do whatever it took to pull that laugh from Lilith’s lips over and over again.

Soon enough, Zelda was arching her back, letting out small cries and moans as Lilith pushed her ever closer to the edge. Lilith hummed at the taste of Zelda on her lips and Zelda’s moans in her ears, slipping another finger inside to see just how much pleasure she could draw out of the witch. That was enough, and soon Zelda came with a silent cry, reaching a peak she never had before. It took hold over her, and it was so much, _too_ much — more than she had allowed herself to feel in years. Tears were streaming down her face and before it could even register in her brain, Lilith had taken her up in her arms, rocking her back and forth. She buried her head in Lilith’s chest, weeping and letting out anguished sobs as Lilith stroked her hair and spoke hushed comforts in her ear.

-

Some time later, as Zelda was lying down with her head on Lilith’s chest and her arm wrapped across her center, the cries had stopped and a comfortable silence had fallen in the room, save for the soft strokes of Lilith’s hand running through Zelda’s hair. And then she spoke.

"She's really gone, isn’t she?" 

"Yes."

She turned her head to look up at Lilith.

“Will you stay?”

“Yes.”

-

That night, like always, Zelda dreamed of Sabrina. 

-

The next morning, she awoke to a stream of sunlight shining through the window and a mess of chestnut curls in her bed, and she realized that after three long months, her dreams were no longer nightmares.

-

_Oh, I can't_

_Stop you putting roots in my dreamland_

_My house of stone, your ivy grows_

_And now I'm covered in you_

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, thoughts and comments are always appreciated <3


End file.
